


Everything You Want

by LittleLonelySoul



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 09:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/747083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLonelySoul/pseuds/LittleLonelySoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris and Darren talk at an after-party</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything You Want

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics from 'Everything You Want' by Vertical Horizon

The music from the party below shook the Diet Coke gently in the glass on the table. Chris looked at it as though mesmerized, his eyes following the ripples. He sighed and looked up at the man leaning against the window; one hand in his pants pocket and the other in his hair. Chris smiled softly at the memory of picking that suit out yesterday, and the parade of ties to match the particular shade of blue. The man turned around and looked at him, eyes watering but...defiant?

“Chris, listen, I’m sorry, I really am but…you know what it’s like, you know how it has to look.”

Chris got up and picked up the glass, downing the drink quickly.

“Darren, I know EXACTLY how it has to look, believe me, two years of this shit! I’ve been here too, remember?”

“Come on Chris, be reasonable. Does it really fucking matter, really? We have our lives at home and our lives here and people are getting too damn close. I need to work you know, Chris, I should be downstairs working right now – do you know who’s here, really? I’m supposed to be sitting down with the guy from the studio at eleven, do you know what he could do for me?

“Oh God yes I know! I fucking know and that’s the point! It was a photo, Darren, a little tiny photo that’ll be online for a few days until next week when you sing at the benefit. It’ll be forgotten, nobody will care. Except you, apparently.”

_‘He’s everything you want, he’s everything you need’_

Chris closed his eyes. He could feel the anger burning in his chest and tears pricking his eyes but no, he wasn’t going to cry. Not again. Not this time. He hadn’t said anything when Darren has pushed the photographer away, grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs. He hadn’t said anything when the door had slammed behind him and Darren had stomped to the window, spewing profanities into the empty suite. And he hadn’t said anything when Darren has repeated that they can’t have photos together any more, not like this, not like this, because the rumors had become just too much.

‘The rumors’. Chris gave a forced, hollow laugh as he opened his eyes. If only they knew. ‘They’ – the public, the audience, the ones they did all this for. Of course Chris and Darren’s relationship was known to many in Hollywood, and the occasional troll of the Internet had shown them both that more than a few fans had caught on. But it couldn’t be official, not yet. Darren’s image needed to be carefully molded, maintained, and managed with every single detail manufactured. And a friendly paparazzi photo with his almost-but-not-quite drunk co-star at an after party? No that wouldn’t do at all.

Darren walked towards Chris and put his hands on his shoulders. His eyes softened and for a moment Chris thought he saw the boyish wonder in them from years ago, from evenings in front of a Disney movie and nights under the sheets. But it was gone and he was back, Darren Criss the actor, singer, musician, Broadway star; the man with a career in front of him who wasn’t going to be typecast or side-lined by gossip in the press.

“Chris, listen to me. You know I love you, but I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to be the guy they all want, they guy they need, so I can stick around. I have to perform, you know that, and I have to be able to pick and choose what I want to do. In a perfect world you and I could walk down the carpet hand-in-hand, but we can’t. So I walk the carpet with her, and you and I; we smile at each other and go our separate ways until we go home. It’s all I can do right now to keep it together and, to be honest, I thought you understood. I thought you, of all people, would realize I need to – I want to – keep my private life under wraps. I mean do you want even more gossip? More snide remarks and giggles? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

Darren shook his head and walked over to a collection of bottles on a dresser, picking each of them up in turn.

_‘There’s something more you’d wish he’d say’_

Chris watched him, and the tears fell from his eyes as he tried to hold back a sob. Was this what they were? What he was? A hidden lover to be kept in the shadows. It had been fine in the beginning, sneaking around on set, kisses in their trailers, smiles at rehearsals. Then the rumors grew and it was fun being together but not ‘together’ at events, parties, concerts, plays. They knew the time would come when they had to either pull back or come out, didn’t they? The last few appearances together, even the filming had been tortuous for Darren, apparently – he and his PR had pored over gossip sites and social networks for hours. There was an image Darren wanted to project and, apparently, Chris didn’t fit into that. The ‘we’re just close friends’ wasn’t working anymore. Chris shakily walked to the sofa and sat down, his head in his hands.

Darren watched him thoughtfully. He didn’t want to upset him, of course. But it was exasperation, not pity, which was welling up inside him as he looked at his boyfriend. ‘Boyfriend’. Wow, if someone got proof of that what would that do to the record deal and the Broadway role he’d been offered and…Darren shook his head. No, this was Chris. Chris who loved him and supported him and told him he would wait however long it too for Darren to be ready to tell the world about them. Chris who had held him night after night as Darren had anguished over his feelings; Chris who had given so much of himself to Darren that sometimes thought there was nothing left. This was what he wanted, right? Chris and a future with them together. So what if it got in the way of his fame, so what if he was turned down for projects because of his lifestyle, so what if studio execs were worried that the general audience wouldn’t ‘click’ with a gay superstar. Did it even matter? So what…?

But Darren knew, deep down inside, that it did matter. Everything he had dreamed of was almost within his reach. Not fame, or money – those were fleeting – but the chance to BE someone, to play his music and play any and every part he wanted. To be loved by everyone, to have millions of people adoring him…he almost had it, he was on his way. And some things had to be sacrificed, of course. His privacy, hell he had got used to not having much of that any more. But what else was he willing to give up? No, not Chris. Chris was family and family was important to Darren. Whatever happened, he needed Chris by his side, supporting him. He needed him, right? Right?

_‘But he means nothing to you and you don’t know why’_

After a few minutes Chris sat up, wiped his eyes and looked up at Darren. They looked at each other for a long moment; the memories of promises and plans going through their minds. Eventually Chris got up and patted down his suit.

“They’ll be looking for us. Alla will be having a hissy fit if I don’t show up soon. I’m gonna splash some water on my face and…”

As he walked past him, Darren caught his arm. Chris hesitated to look up, afraid of what he would see in Darren’s eyes. When he did, it was all there. The love, the desperation, the resignation, the determination.

“You do understand, right Chris?”

Darren raised an eyebrow expectantly.

“This is just how it has to be. There can’t be any slip-ups. Everything’s got to follow the plan. It should be easier but it’s not and I just can’t have anything ruin this for me. I’m spent too damn long to get where I am and I just…I just can’t.”

Chris smiled at him weakly and shook his head.

“I’m gonna splash some water on my face.”

He closed the door to the bathroom and turned to the sink. By the time the water was pouring out of the tap Chris had sunk to the floor, sobbing and gasping and cursing at himself. Two years. Two years swept up and covered over like a bad weekend. He had never thought he could love someone this much, so completely and utterly that he felt lost inside them. He, Chris Colfer, who everyone thought so strong and independent has lost his heart with a week of meeting this man and had waited patiently like a puppy for him to notice. He would have given it all up for him, if only he had asked. He didn’t care about Glee or singing or acting, he would have been content to stay home and write, only being in the public eye for book and movie releases. He would’ve been happy to be the man behind Darren, supporting him like he always did, the unseen loving presence that held him together. He wouldn’t have cared if no-one ever knew about them, if the public always thought of Darren as straight and available; what did it matter if they were happy together? If only he’d asked. But he hadn’t.

_‘I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be’_

By the time Chris came out of the bathroom Darren had gone, an open bottle of Jameson the only evidence he was there. Chris sighed, and smiled, forcing himself into party mode. A few minutes later the image was complete; he was laughing and chatting with two minor directors whose names he couldn’t remember, Alla nodded and smiling at his side. He kept looking for him; his eyes scanning the room at every opportunity. It was only later, when silence was called for an impromptu speech, that he saw him. The hair had become unruly, curls falling over his forehead. His head was thrown back in laughter and his hand was on her shoulder. She was smiling slightly; Chris thought she looked incredibly bored. Two men whom Chris recognized as music industry bigwigs nodded at Darren, clearly enthralled.

Chris wanted to run over to him, to grab his arm and pull him into a kiss that would silence them all, forever. Then it would be okay. Then Darren wouldn’t have to worry about exposes and scandal rags, because it would be over and the hiding could stop. Darren could be true to himself and have the career he wanted. They could be together and happy, that’s what they wanted. Chris felt his smile falter. Darren WAS happy. He was giddy. He didn’t need Chris to do that. He had the world at his feet. Chris looked around the room; literally dozens of people were watching Darren, his laughter filling the air around him. Darren didn’t need Chris; it seemed he didn’t need anyone except his adoring audience.

Chris made his excuses and called for his car. Turning on his lights as he walked into his empty house, he saw a pair of Darren’s sunglasses on his coffee table. They were bright purple and cheap, Chris had found them in a San Francisco bazaar a few weeks earlier. The arm had broken and Darren had spent the day trying to fix them. Turning the glasses in his hand, Chris felt his eyes sting, but no tears fell. He felt like he heart was being squeezed but nothing was coming out.

He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a drink from the fridge, dropping the glasses into the trash as he passed.

_‘I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why’_


End file.
